May 02, 2007

Coronary bypasses are impermissible

1. They're totally gross. They poke a hole in your heart, which makes my stomach churn every time I think about it.

2. They lead to a lifestyle without responsibility: everyone knows heart attacks are divine punishment for eating lots of bacon. Without the threat of death, people will go around thinking they can eat whatever they want, in whatever quantities they want, and with whatever condiments they want! They might even use something as theistic as mayonnaise!

3. They're unnatural. The proper function of the heart is to pump blood until your aorta is clogged with cholesterol, and then cause the pressure to build until either your circulatory system ruptures or your heart fails, and you die. Coronary bypasses subvert the natural and proper function of the heart. They subvert the divine plan!

4. Coronary bypasses are extremely dangerous procedures. Obviously, if some people die from complications during a surgical procedure, that surgical procedure can never, ever save lives.

5. Okay, so maybe you're still pro-choice. Here's a compromise you should be willing to accept: Before giving consent, you'll be required to view a MRI of your cholesterol-filled aorta and listen to a graphic and sensationalised description of the procedure. Not because any of that is medically relevant to actually making informed consent; just so you really know how gross it is.

6. Another compromise you should make: even if we agree that someone who was force-fed buttered bacon like a foie gras goose should be entitled to a coronary bypass, you should grant that people who freely chose a high-cholesterol lifestyle should only be able to get a coronary bypass when it's medically necessary. That is, only if, if they don't get one right now, they will definitely have a fatal heart attack in the next 12 hours.

7. It's vitally important that this debate be carried out in the most abstract terms possible. We must completely and systematically ignore the unavailability of healthy food in poor communities, the lack of emphasis on preventive medicine, and the spiraling cost of health insurance.

8. Coronary bypass surgery stops a beating heart.

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