September 05, 2005

Fun Facts

Courtesy of Jack Chick!
  1. It's physically impossible to say the word 'Thanksgiving' in a public school!
  2. The Puritans were evangelical Christians, who 'wanted to worship God and reach the lost', not strict Calvinists who believed a harsh, ascetic lifestyle denoted the predestined elect. This is why they want to America -- to proselytize, not to escape what they considered the corrupting influences of bourgeois life in England.
  3. The area around Plymouth Rock contained 'nothing but rocks, trees and wild animals'.
  4. But not really. It also contained Indians, including one who magically spoke English.
  5. The Pilgrims were shocked by the appearance of Squanto. Possibly because he was not one of the rocks, trees and wild animals which were the only other things besides the Pilgrims near Plymouth Rock. Or possibly because he magically spoke English, and was therefore capable of actually being convinced into giving up his hedonistic, pagan lifestyle of growing corn and fishing in favour of the Puritan lifestyle of quietly praying while starving to death.
  6. Rather than a periodic celebration of some specific event until Abraham Lincoln declared it a regular holiday in 1863, and ignoring that whole church/state thing, Thanksgiving has always been a celebration of God's intervention to save the Pilgrims. This is why God is offended that we no longer celebrate Thanksgiving.
  7. Stopping Thanksgiving dinner to tell your relatives that they are damned and going to hell for not celebrating Thanksgiving is neither rude nor illogical; rather, despite their gaping jaws and spontaneous assertions of atheism, you should start going on and on about Jesus, including graphic descriptions of the crucifiction between bites of turkey. Impromptu public declarations of faith go great with pumpkin pie!
  8. There are no parties in hell. They have all been cancelled due to fire. Also, there are no clothes; they get in the way of the tortureorgies.


Jeff Fecke said...

Ah, Jack Chick. Insanity never gets old....

(And fer cripes' sake, is there a single school in the entire nation where kids can't say "Thanksgiving?")

Noumena said...

Personally, I liked the part where they want to the Americas to convert the rocks, trees, and wild animals. Those wacky Pilgrims!

MosBen said...

I do seem to remember tracing my hand and coloring it in school around some kind of holiday. Tom Turkey as false idol? Maybe, but we sure called it Thanksgiving.